Housework is a great way to start your day when day starting isn’t one of your gifts. Moving things from place to place, folding and tidying. Physically active but mentally passive gives my body time to wake up. But not today. Today I feel like my eyes are dessicated. I’m bone tired, munching on banana bread for breakfast because I don’t have the energy to put the pan on the hob to make my favourite oatmeal with apple.

Relaxation takes time. Stress gets in the bones. We try to tell ourselves that a week or two of holiday does the job but really it just takes the edge off enough that we don’t go insane.

The first week at home I was supposed to be relaxing but I couldn’t, I watched . The second I wanted to be working but I found time evaporating in triviality. Last week I was enjoying the process, posting regularly and unpaid, experimenting with a journal to explore my voice and style and to keep a record of my ideas. And enjoyment appears to have been the trigger for system reboot. Now I’m exhausted. Customary aches and pains have given way to bones that feel like butter. Tension in my shoulders that I had come to regard as normal is very obvious to me now, and makes me question myself over how quickly I get tense and worried about trivial matters and how much I look to see fault in myself. I’m more able to drop the tension and move past these issues. Instead of feeling the need to rush around I feel I could read and watch movies all day. A part of me is intensely frustrated by this as I want to get on but I’m equally aware that this is all part of the process.

Would you believe that my sense of smell is improving? And that the throat clearing habit I had at work has gone all but completely? I’m sleeping better and my sister in law tells me the shadows under my eyes are disappearing. I think my skin looks clearer too. I don’t seem to eat as much now and when I do I’m drawn towards vegetables and grains, fresh and healthy things, and interesting food rather than comfort food. If I can hall my arse up out of this chair today lunch will be chilled radish and watercress soup. If not it will the leftovers of yesterdays tapas: stuffed vine leaves, balsamic cucumber salad, cherry tomatoes and olives.

I’m kind of aware that I’m not drawing this to a close very well but I’m struggling for focus. I think that’s all part of the process too.

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