I think I’m feeling movement.  I think I’ve probably been feeling movement for a couple of weeks but it’s quite hard to identify for the movements of a baby the size of a sweet potato so I wasn’t sure.  Now I am fairly sure and I want to be excited but I keep feeling that means that I am letting my guard down.

I’m not sure when I reached the conclusion that allowing myself to be excited, or excessively happy, was letting my guard down.  I used to be really quite excitable.  It may have been some miserable years at work sucking the colour out of everything, or my parents determination to look on the gloomy side.  It may have been a health scare that turned out to be nothing or the shock of losing my grandparents, neither of whom was I fully prepared for.  I don’t know what caused it,  but I do know that I consider allowing myself to become excited or excessively happy as asking for trouble,  as if looking at all the negatives is somehow a talisman against them actually coming to pass.

I’d like to say that my inability to let go and be excessively happy defends me in some way from ever being excessively sad, but it doesn’t.  Excessive sadness is still very much in my repertoire and my daily fair, without the corresponding excessive happiness, is often seriousness and melancholy.  I like to think of myself as hopeful,  but it’s a wistful, naive sort of hopeful that doesn’t have the balls to go out and fight to make hope a reality.  My hope would rather hide under the covers and hope that everything works out in the end.

I want to be excited but I have the spectre of the anomaly scan ahead of me.  The anomaly scan is called the anomaly scan for a reason.  It looks for anomalies.  Sometimes it finds them.  Often those anomalies are revealed by further tests to be nothing.  Sometimes they are real but fixable. Sometimes they are serious and not fixable.

Birth defects are rare but pregnancy anxiety is common.  Pregnancy is very defensive.  We change our eating habits and our lifestyles to protect our growing babies from threats that may be present in our food, that we may inflict on them by our habitual lack of exercise or love of donuts.  A lot of what we are suggested to go easy on, herbal teas for instance, have not been researched but they might have a negative effect so, you know, better safe than sorry.  We google our symptoms and worry about signs of ill health that we would usually ignore.  We are tested for a hundred things,  the baby is scanned in the womb and we are under constant surveillance in case something is or goes wrong.  We do all these things because we want our babies to be healthy and sometimes, despite the best efforts of the most conscientious, they aren’t.

So I want to be excited.  There is a fizzy feeling in my stomach that is bubbling up to my heart and kind of makes me want to cry but I don’t know if excitement is sensible.  I’m scared of being excited, at the best of times.  I’m scared that if I allow myself to be excited, I’m going to get a slap in the face.  But I really want to be excited.  This calls back to what I said in my last blog,  it’s very hard to separate my feelings about the baby and the pregnancy from my anxiety about all the tests.  I’m not sure if I’m genuinely worried that there may be something wrong or if I’m making myself worry because I’m worried that if I’m not worried I’ll be jinxing everything.  I have a horrible feeling that it’s the later.


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