I had an upsetting dream that I’m struggling to forget about. They say that women have vivid dreams in pregnancy but they are supposed to be about your child.  This one wasn’t.   I have work to do so I’m going to write it down here in the hope that I will be able to move on and focus.

I had been called back to my old job.  I wasn’t pleased about it.  Old resentments were still bubbling and I saw that the trouble they were in now and the reason they needed me was down to all the same old mistakes that I had fought with them about before.  For all that, their attitude was the same, they were right and I was wrong and I wondered exactly why they’d asked for my help in the first place.

I went to a local pub.  I’m not sure why, possibly to clear my head.  To try and unwind.  I expected to be on my own but there were members of my family there.  I should have been pleased to see them I supposed but, as much as they invited me to join them, I was nevertheless hurt that they had gathered there together and I had not been invited.  I had merely stumbled upon them.  I was shocked to see my grandmother, even in my dream I knew that she was no longer with us, she looked younger and stronger than she had been in years.  She lead me to a side room of the pub,  there had clearly been a party there, but the party was over now.  I saw my grandfather.  He was talking to me but I don’t know what he said, I just started to cry.  I picked up one of my young cousins, sat him in my lap and sobbed uncontrollably into his shoulder for what felt like a very long time.  There was another man there, a Scotsman who said he had been a friend of granddad’s.  He was trying to be nice and entertaining but he wasn’t my grandfather and he couldn’t help me.

Then I woke up.

I don’t know about you but dreams where I cry always leave me feeling a bit scarred and battle worn.  Not in the same way as if the tears had been real, more of a haunted feeling as if I don’t entirely understand what has happened to me.  The sub-conscious is a strange place.  There seems to be a lot that mine is trying to tell me.  Probably about letting go of the old as I walk into a new chapter of my life with a new baby on the way.  Letting go is hard though.

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